


On My Own

by ServantofFeeless



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), tmnt 2012 - Fandom
Genre: Dysfunctional Relationships, Five Stages of Grief, Loss of Parent(s), Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental healing ahead, Multi, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-28 02:28:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14439531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ServantofFeeless/pseuds/ServantofFeeless
Summary: The turtles find it difficult to adapt and adjust to life without their Sensei, now that they’ve had ample time to reflect. Join the turtles in their most arduous task yet, the task of growing up in a world without the guidance of the one who was supposed to raise them. Now the turtles must raise themselves to the best of their abilities. What trials and tribulations will they face, and how will their stories unfold? And how are April, Casey, Miwa and the rest of the heroes coping without Splinter around? Find out in: On my Own.This is set AFTER the 2012 finale!





	1. On My Own Prologue: Run Away Dreams I Was Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for joining me! This was just the prologue to this fanfiction! This is a slow-burn fanfiction, but it will pick up in later chapters I promise. I hope this prologue won't be a chore to get through, I assure you that things only get better from here on out. WARNING 2012 SERIES SPOILERS! DON'T READ UNLESS YOU'VE SEEN THE EPISODES REQUIEM AND OWARI AND BEYOND!  
> WARNING THERE WILL BE T-CEST! IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO READ A T-CEST STORY- THEN PLEASE EXIT OR BACKSPACE! THANK YOU!

On My Own Prologue: Run Away Dreams I Was Dreaming

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It was his fault.

 

The blood of his father was on his hands, and no matter how hard he tried to scrub his hands- until they were raw and bleeding even, he couldn’t wash away his father’s blood. Raphael’s icy gaze pierced through him as it reflected back at him within the mirror.

 

He studied his own emerald eyes that glared like daggers. Even if he hadn’t been staring deeply into his own reflection, he would still be aware of how much hatred that would be raging within his emerald orbs.

 

He wouldn’t have needed to see his eyes to know. He could feel the hatred and fury coursing through him like the venom of a viper. He should have done something, but he didn’t. All he had done was lean against April as he watched Shredder strike Splinter down in cold blood. He should have done something, anything. Why hadn’t he done anything?

 

Washing…washing…. washing…

 

But, the blood was still there. Was it his father’s blood or was it his own blood now? Or was it a fine mix of both? He didn’t know, he was disoriented as of late, unsure of what was happening around him most of the time. There wasn’t much left to distract him from the ever-burning guilt that threatened to drive him into the abyss of insanity.

 

The world was no longer in peril 24/7 and that’s what Raph relied on to distract himself from the death of his Sensei, and not only that Splinter wasn’t just his Sensei he was his father. He was the father to not only Raphael but to Leonardo, Donatello and Michelangelo.

 

Raph didn’t ever let it show, no one could know he was suffering. He didn’t like showing his emotions around others, he felt that if he should cry he would look weak to those around him. He was the tough and gruff hothead, he had to act like it and keep up his image. He couldn’t afford to cry in the presence of others, but now that he was alone he would be able to release those tears.

 

He felt dirty…and nothing was working. Not even his two-hour steaming hot showers could offer him relief anymore. Yet he still stripped off his gear and hopped into the shower, feeling the sting of the scalding water splashing against his dark green skin.

 

As he let the water trickle down his flesh, his thoughts swirled within his mind. He had been thinking long and hard about something as of late, those thoughts were the only things keeping him grounded in reality. Those thoughts were his only grip on reality he had left.

 

He had for the longest time, been considering going off on his own. He had always been a lone wolf since tot hood. It only felt right and the temptation was almost overwhelming. Plus, an added bonus would be that he wouldn’t constantly be bombarded with memories of Splinter; and the constant agonizing feeling of guilt wouldn’t plague him if he made new memories for himself elsewhere.

 

It was all his fault…he could have done something more and that wasn’t up for debate. He could feel it in his bones, in his heart and soul. He let Splinter die and he did nothing to stop it… he had failed his father and everyone else around him. He was a failure to the Hamato Clan, a disgrace and if it had been anyone else who had died and not Splinter, and if there was any way Raphael could have prevented it but did nothing, the red masked ninja was certain Splinter would have banished him to exile.

 

With the rushing sound of the water providing distortion of sound, Raph finally crumpled to his knees and allowed himself to break. He trembled as warm tears glistened in his emerald eyes and then spilled down his cheeks and mixed with the streams of shower water. He let out silent sobs, clenching his fists as he stared down at the floor of the shower.

 

And that’s where he would spend the next two hours, grieving over the loss of his father and debating if he should finally vanish into the night to find his own path in life. To be anywhere else would be liberating…anywhere else than here.

 

Anywhere else at all.

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Showers were Raphael’s escapism, but for Michelangelo it was a whole other story. Believe it or not eating several tubs of ice cream while partaking in a marathon of his favorite shows was how Mikey escaped his demons. The orange masked, baby blue eyed ninja was settled on the couch and his eyes practically glued in the direction of the tv.

 

His thoughts were numb and void as he let the world of Crognard the Barbarian overtake his senses. Even as he shoveled ice cream into his mouth by the large spoonful, he could hardly taste it, much less feel the icy cold texture. He was so out of it that he did not notice the onslaught of the impending brain freeze and stomach ache he was soon to spiral into.

 

However, when it hit like an ice cream truck running him over, he let out a cry of dismay and dropped the now empty tub of what once was Neapolitan ice cream. No one rushed over to check on him because they had gotten used to his hourly ritual of gorging himself on the frozen confectioneries, until he inevitably caused himself suffering.

 

The freckled turtle groaned as his stomach felt like it was looping into knots. He flipped over onto his shell and placed an arm over his face to make his world go dark. He just had to ride out the killer ice cream scream wave until it settled down in his guts. He had done this several times over the course of a few months, he had known this would be his fate whenever he did this and he had accepted it.

 

After what felt like hours of his stomach protesting, it finally settled down and Mikey breathed a low sigh of relief. When he removed his arm from his face he realized he had missed an entire episode of Crognard, but that didn’t really bother him. In fact he could care less that he missed an episode, he had seen each episode more than a million times by now.

 

If Mikey was to be perfectly honest with himself he actually wasn’t even paying the least bit of attention to the tv; even though it appeared as if he was. He was mostly staring off into a white void of pure nothingness and the only sounds he heard were static and distorted voices.

 

Ice cream and the void of static and distorted voices, that was Michelangelo's escapism.

 

But even then, the icy distraction could only halt his thoughts in a sheet of ice and numbness for a limited time; before he found tears sliding down his freckled cheeks.

 

He missed his Papa.

 

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Coffee after coffee, blueprint after blueprint and unfinished machine after machine- this was Donatello’s escapism. Downing unhealthy amounts of black coffee straight with no sweeteners in sight and working nonstop on blueprints and machines. The purple masked ninja was busy at work tinkering mindlessly with a pile of junk before him.

 

He was aimlessly messing around with each component with no sensible direction. He had no idea what he was attempting to make and this caused him to feel warm bubbles forming in his stomach and he felt his right eye twitch and burn from frustration and lack of proper rest.

 

He didn’t know what this junk before him was supposed to be anymore. He had a vision for it once upon a time, but it was lost in a sea of the blueprints he had haphazardly scrawled up and misplaced. He couldn’t even go through his blueprints and jog his memory by finding the exact blueprints. His mental state was bogged down with a caffeine high and a sleep deprived low.

 

He sincerely couldn’t jump start his memory and figure out what he was supposed to be creating with the junk in his hands. So, he just settled for toying with it like a rubiks cube. Desperately he tried to recall what he had wanted it to be, but his mind was like static that displayed on a dusty screen from an old run-down television. With frustration he stopped tinkering with the pile of junk and decided to take a break to surf the internet.

 

He needed a better distraction with which to stimulate his mind with. Anything at all in order to rescue himself from not being able to stick with any of his recent projects. However, the internet offered little relief to his plight. It only made his brain work double time, filling it with visions of more and more things he could invent.

 

But he never would end up inventing those things, he just couldn't see things through anymore. Ever since the Earth had settled into a relatively peaceful state it was as though a fog had rolled into Donnie's brain and settled there permanently. Tinkering, fidgeting and half-finished planning and machines. That was Donatello's escapism...

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**_Thwack...thwack....thwack..._ **

 

Showers were Raphael's escapism. Ice cream was Michelangelo's escapism. And machines were Donatello's escapism. Training until even the marrow in his bones felt like they were on fire, was Leonardo's escapism. Like a strike of lightening his twin katana sliced through the air and connected with a loud thud into the wooden training dummy.

 

He yanked his katana back just as quickly and then shoved the blades deep into the dummy, shoving them all the way through and out the back. He panted heavily as glistening sweat rolled down his face. He closed his sapphire oculars, trying to center his thoughts.

 

But every time he closed his eyes, the memories of the past flooded his mind. He could remember the days of his youth, when he was but a turtle tot, still tumbling around and uneasy on his feet. Learning how to walk and how to talk, all the while Splinter smiled down upon him and instructed him.

 

He could recall how Splinter gently guided him through the process of walking. He even remembered how patient Splinter was while teaching him. Splinter held his hands for the first few steps and gradually his grasp loosened until Leo was walking without Splinter's help.

 

Leo was the first out of his brethren to walk, but he was the second one of them to talk. Donatello held the honor of being the first turtle brother to talk, but that was only to be expected.

As the years rolled on by, they had learned of his bright and curious mind. So, it wasn't any shock that their purple masked brother had been the first of them to articulate any words to form a shaky sentence.

 

Even though it had been years and years ago, Leo still knew what Donnie had said. Even though the words Donnie had spoken were spoke with a lisp and in a shaky manner, the words he had used were anything but common.

 

_"Papa! Papa! I am now in a dire situation! It has come to my attention I have a rusty nail lodged up my foot! If we don't remove it, it could become in..in..fe....infected! Am I going to die!?"_

 

This of course had shocked Splinter, he hadn't been expecting any of them to speak. And for one of them to suddenly speak and to be forming complete sentences no less, well suffice to say Splinter began teaching them all the mannerism of speech after.

 

However, Donnie hadn't needed the guidance of their father much during that training period. He was already teaching himself more and more every day and by himself as well.

 

Leo couldn't help but chuckle bitter-sweetly at the memory. This caused his mind to wander and to remember Raph's first words. And well... Raph's first words were just as you would expect them to be. He had a fiery spirit even at such a young age.

 

_"Fight me, dad!"_

 

Yes, those were Raph's first words he had ever spoken. The hothead's passion for fighting had no doubt always been there from there very beginning. Now as for Mikey's first words? Well...they were very unique that is to say, Leo had no idea what Mikey was even trying to say the first time he spoke.

 

Though, Splinter didn't seem to have a problem in understanding the freckled turtle. But Leo supposed that being their father, Splinter had a sixth sense when it came to understanding what they were talking about.

 

_"Rah go grrr grrrr get mah! An den go bam bam bam! Gib ouchie on hed!"_

 

It wasn't until much later, after Raph got punished by Splinter did Leo understand what Mikey had said. Apparently what Mikey had been trying to say was, "Raph growled at me, got mad. Then hit me on the head." Or something along those lines, anyways. Alas, seeing as how young Mikey was, he wasn't exactly able to communicate that effectively.

 

Tears began to roll down Leo's cheeks, he stood there unmoving except for the inhalation and exhalation of breath which made his shoulders rise and fall. As clear as day, his own first words echoed through his mind.

 

_"I love you, dad."_

 

The words echoed over and over, like a broken record within his mind. He slowly collapsed to the floor, still holding the handles of his katana. His head lowered down so that his chin was resting against his upper plastron. Tremors overtook his body as he let out silent sobs, the fact his father was gone was something he didn't want to accept.

 

Even though it had been almost a year already since Splinter had passed on; and the anniversary of his death was coming up in a few short months, he still didn't want to accept it. The funeral they held for Splinter was still fresh in Leo's mind. Every detail of that dark day was etched into his mind, and he couldn't block the memory out when it decided to seep into his thoughts.

 

With a frustrated yell, Leo jumped to his feet and wrenched his katana out of the wooden dummy. With no hesitation to be had, the blades severed the wooden head of the training dummy off its shoulders. Yet, despite this action the memory of Splinter's funeral poisoned Leo's mind. He just wanted to forget it, he just wanted to forget his father was gone.

 

No... that's not what he wanted. He wanted his father back, but that was impossible. Once you were deceased you were deceased, and nothing could uproot you out of the afterlife and reintroduce you into the realm of the living.

 

He had failed that day, failed to peruse his instincts. He rarely had ever argued with his father, and as much as he hated to do so, that day he wished he had argued with him.

He wished that he had followed his heart, and listened to it when it was telling him something was wrong. He wished he hadn't let Splinter's words ease his worried thoughts that day.

He wished he had talked Splinter down, made him go home where he'd be safe. But he had failed, and it had cost Splinter his life and it had cost them their father.

 

Out of any arguments in his life, that would be the one argument he wouldn't have regretted having with his father. It would have saved his life and he'd still be here and not be...

 

He wouldn't be...

 

He...

 

Leo had failed... and he was failing again to banish the memory of Splinter's demise from his mind. Failure after failure after failure. He had failed everyone and himself over the course of so many years.

 

Failure... it was all he was good for. He was a failure...Nothing more and nothing less. Training was Leonardo's escapism...but he failed to find any comfort within it.

 

He hated himself.

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Graduation from Highschool... this was supposed to be April's escapism. Yet she found nothing to ease her thoughts. She couldn't help but let her mind be taken over by the thoughts of her Sensei. Splinter had taught her everything she knew, and she never had the chance to thank him for it.

 

She hadn't any clue as to why she was thinking of Splinter, when she should be thinking about her future and what she was destined to do. Yet, here she was unable to focus on the festivities of the Graduation party. She was sitting on a chair in a dark corner, by herself as her classmates danced to the beat of a hit new pop song.

 

Hilarious, isn't it? That even though she wasn't on a mission, she was still in the shadows. Keeping true to her title of being a fully trained kunoichi, the shadows are what passed for her best friend these days.

 

It wasn't until the pop song ended and a slower and more somber song came on, that April realized why her thoughts were plagued with her late Sensei. The anniversary of his death was only a few months away. This reminded her of yet another realization, she hadn't visited the turtles at all this year.

 

She was a horrible friend, she hadn't visited, called, sent an email or even face cam chatted with them at all. Where had all the time gone? She wasn't certain, every day this year up until graduation had been a blur. She swore to herself she would go visit the turtles after this mandatory and mundane graduation party came to a close.

 

The hours ticked on by, she wasn't paying much attention to anything around her, that was until a hand reached out for her. She peered up from underneath her curled ginger bangs at whoever had extended their hand to her. Her breath caught in her throat when she realized the owner of the hand was Casey Jones.

 

"Hey Red." Casey gave her a halfhearted smirk, it would seem to April that this graduation party was Casey's escapism too. "Wanna blow this drab popsicle stand and go have some real fun?"

 

April couldn't help but give him a chuckle and she took his hand. "You mean like hang with the guys?"

 

Casey nodded giving her a thumbs-up with his free hand. "Yeah, Red! How'd you know that's what I meant? Wait don't tell me, your psychic powers, right?"

 

April shook her head. "Nah, I just know it's been a long time since we've seen the guys. So, what are we waiting for Jones? Let's get going! Race you! Last one to the lair hatched from a rotten turtle egg!" She winked and then pushed herself away from Casey and sprinted off, gaining a head start.

 

"Hey! NO FAIR RED! GET BACK HERE!' Casey shouted out, rushing after her, pushing through a sea of his classmates with reckless abandon. He finally made it outside only to find April had ditched her dress for her ninja gear. "How'd you get your gear so fast? We're like a few blocks away from your apartment!"

 

April felt heat rise to her cheeks." Actually, I always have my kunoichi attire under any clothing I put on. I like to be prepared, or did you forget Jones?" She stuck her tongue out at the bonehead.

 

Casey chuckled and then smirked, "You ain't the only one who is prepared, Red!" He pulled his golf bag out from behind him and put on his mask. "C'mon let's get going, I'm certain the guys will be overjoyed to see us! Plus, we can all go on a patrol or somethin'!"

 

"Yeah!" April nodded as she turned away and rushed off into the night. "We're still racing!"

 

"Aw sewer apples! Wait up Red!" And with that the two teens raced through the darkness of the night, heading towards the lair.

 

Both of them blissfully unaware of what was soon to come.


	2. Chapter 1: I'd Rather Be Free, Free, Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Raphael struggles with nightmares, Mikey struggles with separation anxiety, Leo struggles with coming to terms he's the new Sensei, Donnie struggles with his own sense of identity and comes to a conclusion about who he is. And in which April and Casey arrive to an adorable turtle pile on the couch. Here's some suffering and fluff all mixed into one little turtle shell of awkwardness! Next chapter will feature April, Casey and Miwa and what they are currently struggling with and how they are attempting to adapt to life without Splinter.  
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As the water cascaded down upon his dark jade skin, the night terror that jolted Raphael into the realm of wakeness this very morning had plagued his every thought. The night terrors the past few months that tormented him every moment he slumbered hadn't been that terrible, at first. Emphasis on the words, 'at first' because given enough time they began to twist and contort into something rather grisly. When the dark imaginings of his mind first infected his slumber, like that of a virus coursing through one while they were ill, the imagery hadn't been too much to handle.

 

The imagery that manifested in his dreams were just a recreation of the night Splinter had met his untimely demise. It was nothing Raphael couldn't handle, after all not much fazed the Sai-wielding ninja. However, as time marched on and eventide approached at the end of each day Raph's nightmares began to subtly weave the event of his father's death. Twisting it into something more sinister and violent.

 

Each time he slipped into oblivion, Raph would endure restless nights of unrivaled terror as each new terror brought forth a fresh depiction of Splinter's demise. Every new terror more disturbing and sickening than the last. The terrors had been escalating and intensifying for months on end. It was a dark abyss of torture that haunted him every time he closed his exhausted emerald orbs. There appeared to be no escape from his morbid thoughts, there had been a plethora of times he had tried to banish the night terrors. Only to fail to dispel the darkness and to be submerged within the void, once more.

 

As Raphael prepared himself to face the chilly air, that would no doubt enshroud his body when he took his leave of the shower, he inhaled a deep and long breath. Allowing the last of his tears to be washed away down the drain, he rose to his feet and slowly turned off the water. The handle squeaked in protest as it turned and Raph tried to focus in on that, instead of the horrid images of the night terrors.

 

He recalled that Donnie had attempted to fix the stubborn squeak of the warm shower handle, yet no matter how many times the tech-geek tried the handle flat out refused to be repaired. Thus, in bitter reluctance, Donnie had accepted defeat and had long since abandoned trying to mend the handle. It was yet another broken part of their lives, on a vast list of everything else that was broken in their lives. And just like the broken shower handle, there was nothing in this damn world that could fix the shattered bonds of their family.

 

 

Not even the passage of time would be able to heal the tragic loss they've suffered. Their father was deceased and they were orphans, how could anyone possibly bounce back from such a devastating blow? Raph knew that he would never be able to heal from this, and he doubted any of his brothers, his sister, or any of their allies would be able to either.

 

Splinter was like a beacon of hope and of fortitude, it was as though as long as he stood mighty and unwavering that they could withstand any storm. Now that the pillar of durability that had once been Splinter had collapsed, the foundations that kept the balance of their family had therein crumbled as well. Raphael released the breath he hadn't realized he had been holding.

 

The only reason he realized he was holding his breath was due to the fact his lungs constricted in protest at the abuse. The ache in his lungs vanished with the exhalation of his breath, and he pushed open the shower door. As he stepped out onto the cold tile of the bathroom, he shivered, but it wasn't due to the bitter chill of the air surrounding him. The visions of the night terror from last night seeped back into his thoughts. Even though his night terrors had been ghastly as of late, none of the night terrors thus far had shaken him quite as immensely as this one had.

 

 

In fact, it had shaken him to the very core of his spirit and he had woken sweating bullets, lying on the cold and unforgiving floor, entangled in his blankets and sheets. His vision obscured with salty and warm tears, his cheeks stinging, and his throat aching as if someone had forced him to drink scalding water. He was unsure as to why the terrors had decided to take a turn for the unexpected. But the emerald eyed ninja would be lying if he were to deny that it didn't cause him any form of distress. The truth of the matter was, this night terror had consumed the other terrors, destroyed them from the inside out and conquered over them all. For whatever hellish reason, that Raph didn't even want to begin to fathom, Splinter wasn't the one that met the Grim Reaper in his night terror.

 

 

No, this time the one who perished wasn't his father. Nor was it Donatello, Michelangelo, Miwa, April, Casey or their other countless allies. No, it had been far worse than that, it was more ruthless and unforgiving. This time the night terror, as if it were some otherworldly demon, had preyed upon one of Raphael's deepest and darkest fears. This time around, instead of Splinter being the one to depart from the world of the living, it had been Leonardo.

 

 

The hypothetical blood Raph imagined to be on his hands, he was now more unsure than ever if it was his, Splinter's or Leonardo's blood. Though in reality the ninja knew his eldest brother was by all means alive, it still didn't stop him from fretting. It had been about five in the morning when he had fallen from bed and jolted awake from his night terror.

 

 

During that time, he had an escapade to Leonardo's quarters, he ever so timidly peeked within to check on his blue masked brother. When he observed the steady rising and falling of his shoulders, Raph was finally able to set his frantic mind at ease. Be that as it may, that didn't cease his concerns and nor did it keep them at bay for a prolonged period of time. As he seized his towel and began the process of drying off the remaining water that clung to his skin, he tried to calm his frayed nerves by closing his eyes and breathing deeply. Every second that ticked by was another second he thought of Leonardo. The Sai-wielder would never admit this to anyone or out loud to himself even, that if anything should happen to Leonardo that it would do him in.

 

 

 

Raphael couldn't stand the very notion of anything happening to Leonardo now. Even the period of time of which Leo was in a three-month coma, had almost broken Raphael. If Leo had succumbed to the lullaby of death then, Raph knew he wouldn't have been able to cope with his passing.

 

This was why the night terror disturbed him as much as it had. It fed off of his horror and ever hungry for more, decided Splinter's death just wasn't enough for it. Craving more and more terror, it had decided to substitute its own reality in place of what actually occurred. Thus, in turn replacing Splinter's death with a fabricated illusion of Leonardo's own demise in his place.

 

 

 

After pondering over the night terror, Raphael came to only one logical conclusion. There was only one thing to be done. There was only one escape route from his terrors, and that was to leave behind everything he had ever known. The guilt settled within the depths of his stomach and gnawed relentlessly. He would hate walking out on his family and abandoning them all like this, but he had to rid himself of this self-inflicted curse somehow.

 

The only solution was to remove himself from the cause of his night terrors. This environment was doing him no favors, and perhaps given enough time on his own his night terrors would vanish into nothingness. Then certainly peace would wash over him like a gentle shower of summer rain.

 

But his mind was made up, as he finished drying off his skin and depositing the towel back on the rack, he knew that this night would be the last night in a long time that he'd be spending with his family. Raph was never much for goodbyes, so he decided that he'd say farewell in his own quirky way. Heart to heart talks were never a strong point due to the fact that words failed him more often than not. Yet, he could effectively communicate what he wished through written word alone.

 

Though his handwriting was something to be desired, it wasn't jumbled enough that his family wouldn't be able to understand it. It could be read, although it took much effort on the reader's part in doing so. He'd write a note and then vanish into the eventide, just as a ninja was trained for. He'd spend a few more hours with his family, before he'd write it all up and then would be time for him to slip away. He had to go his own way, before anything else could happen. Before anything else could threaten to break him. He had to leave to become tougher for his family, his own self-imposed exodus.

 

 

Raphael donned his gear and slipped out of the bathroom, ready to make this last night with his family, for who knows how long, special.

 

 

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Mikey had long since abandoned the act of shoveling down ice-cream after ice-cream container. Now he was huddled up on the couch, his knees pressed against his plastron and his chin settled against his knee guards. Within his arms he clutched a stuffed toy rat that resembled Splinter. Mikey had crafted this toy plush after Splinter passed on to the rat maze in the sky. It was just another way of how the freckled ninja coped with the fact his father was never coming home.

 

 

That his father would never again wrap his arms around him and soothe his worries. That his father would never again laugh at his jokes nor would he give him sagely advice. Nor would he be there to comfort him when he was sick or injured. His baby blues kept gazing over to the dojo, as if expecting to witness Splinter step out of the dojo for his evening ritual of brewing soothing tea for each of them.

 

 

Each of the turtles had their own favorite kind of tea that Splinter would brew for them. Leo loved peppermint tea, Raph loved Cinnamon, Donnie had more refined tastes in tea and had more than one favorite he enjoyed, and as for Mikey? Mikey loved the fruit flavored teas, and to know that Splinter would never again brew him another batch of his favorite fruit teas, and from here on out he'd have to do it himself, made him feel like a lost puppy.

 

There were so many things Mikey did not realize they relied on Splinter for, and now that he was gone all those things were glaring at him. They relied on Splinter for a multitude of things, but the thing they relied on him for the most, was him being a father to them all. He was supposed to be there for them, forever and always to guide them through the crazy roller-coaster called life.

 

 

But he wasn't, he was gone and he was never coming back and the youngest was riddled with anxiety and confusion. He didn't know where to turn to now, who was he going to look to when the future looked grim? Who was going to catch him if he should fall? Who was going to cheer him up when his smile faltered?

 

 

Who was going to pick up Splinter's mantle and hold the family together? Who was going to be that pillar of strength that they so desperately needed now? Mikey's mind drew a complete blank, no one could ever dream to pick up that mantle. No one could replace Splinter, nor should they dare and try to.

 

 

That would only end in ruin and shatter the family apart even more so. The freckled turtle didn't know when he had arrived to stand in front of the dojo door, but he was certain it had to have been when he was lost in his own pitiful musings. Through the thin door of the dojo, he could hear the sounds of Leonardo engaging in combat with the wooden training dummy inside. After a few more moments of listening, the sounds of Leo's katana slicing into the wood faltered and then halted. Mikey wondered if he should slip into the dojo and attempt to talk their eldest brother into taking a break.

 

Raphael and Donatello had both tried to talk him down into taking a breather already. Well Raph had tried months ago, before he finally gave up. Donnie was still trying but hadn't any luck with his attempts. Michelangelo was the only one who hadn't attempted it yet. Leo had been in there for the better part of the day, honing everything he had learned from Splinter and unleashing it all onto the wooden dummy.

 

 

They all were well aware that Leonardo had an incredible reservoir of stamina at his disposal, but he couldn't keep it up forever. Soon his tank of stamina would surely trickle itself dry, and he'd collapse from exhaustion. This was the last thing that they needed right now, for Leo to collapse from overworking himself and then take to being ill. Timidly the orange masked turtle gently pushed open the dojo door, only to find that Leo had taken to a position of meditation, underneath the large tree in the dojo. He watched Leo's shoulders rise and fall, there was a pensive and rather somber look upon his facial features.

 

 

Mikey began to regret his intrusion and wanted nothing more than to make a quick retreat back to the couch, but his brother's voice caused him to halt in place.

 

 

"Michelangelo, please come over here and sit."

 

 

Though it didn't sound like an order, more like a friendly suggestion. It took Mikey a few moments of deliberation before he made his way over to Leo and sat down in front of him. He watched Leo's sapphire orbs open and then study his face. Nervously Mikey fidgeted with his mask tails, wondering what Leo wished to converse with him about.

 

 

"You seem anxious, little brother, do you want to talk about it?"

 

 

Well this wasn't what Mikey had been expecting Leo to ask, but to be perfectly honest he was relieved he had. The baby blue eyed ninja had been waiting for someone to finally comment on his behavior and to offer a listening ear.

 

 

"I..." Mikey began feeling his throat instantly become as dry as a desert. He bit his bottom lip, not sure where he should begin on the list of things that were currently wrong in his life. He gulped down saliva to rid himself of his dry throat and he continued, "...I just miss dad." There, it was short and simple, to the point. There was no need for him to explain any further as to why he was anxious, because missing his father was the core reason as to why he was a bundle of jumbled nerves.

 

 

Leo's reflective expression shifted into one of heavy heartedness. He reached out and placed a comforting hand on Mikey's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I know little bro, we all miss him..." He trailed off his gaze averting over to their family portrait on the shelf. With a soft sigh he let his attention fall back to Mikey. "Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"

 

 

Mikey hadn't been expecting this offer either, most of the time his brothers left him alone to his own dismal thoughts. They had all grown rather distant since their father's death, so any offer of comfort was rare and rather awkward to say the least. Yet, for some reason Mikey didn't feel any awkwardness clinging to this offer, it was as if the universe was finally giving him a break.

 

 

"A hug?" Mikey's voice came out more uncertainly than he had anticipated it to be. It had been quite a while since any of his brothers comforted him through means of a hug. The last one to ever hug him in comfort had been none other than their father. It was a relief when Mikey felt his older brother pull him into a protective embrace. All the freckled turtle could do in response to this was return the hug and mumble out a thank you.

 

 

 

"That's what brothers are for, Mikey." Leo gave his youngest brother a few comforting pats to the shell. Even though Leo was currently wallowing in self-hate and his own misery, that didn't excuse him from trying to soothe the sorrows of his younger brothers. He still had to be there for them, no matter what. And he couldn't ever let them see how broken he was inside, for if he should do that he knew his family would crumble. Then they'd wither away under the weight of the world that he was currently trying to shoulder.

 

 

Leo couldn't afford to let anyone see the turmoil underneath the stoic mask that he displayed every day since Splinter died. He had to be the new pillar for his family, he had to try and follow in Splinter's footsteps. To carry on his legacy that he left behind, he knew he could never replace Splinter and he wasn't aiming to. He was just attempting to do what he thought was best for his brothers and for himself. He was their new Sensei, even though he never wished to be.

 

 

He had to be their Sensei now, because who else would? Being the leader, he had always known that one day he'd take up Splinter's mantle and continue training his brothers. He knew this was what would come with the passing of their father, but he hadn't realized how soon it would be. Despite it all and despite how dismal the future appeared to be as of the current moment, they had survived up to this point.

 

They just had to keep surviving and stand against whatever life decided to throw at them next. The world was at peace for now and Leo hoped it would stay that way, at least until he found a way to mend the broken bonds of their family.

 

 

 

"Thanks dude." Mikey mumbled, resting his head against Leo's shoulder. He gave Leo's shell a few soft taps back, to make certain that even though he couldn't really express it through words, he was grateful for the hug. "You should take a break, bro. You've been at this for hours, you want to come sit on the couch with me? We could watch a movie or something? I'll make the popcorn?" Mikey pulled his head away to stare into Leo's eyes, a hopeful expression etched onto his face.

 

 

Leo opened his mouth to speak, but quickly shut it as he seemed to drift into deep thought. He appeared to be conflicted on if he should continue his cope-training or if he should give it a rest and leave it for tomorrow. After a minute of deliberation, he finally gave Mikey his answer.

 

"You know what, you're right Mikey I could use a break. Go pick out a movie, I'll be right behind you. Oh, how about I try and brew some tea? I know my brews aren't up to par with.... you know, but I'll try my best."

 

 

For the first time in months, Leo watched as a grin settled itself onto Mikey's face. His little brother nodded and tightened the hug for a few moments, before he pulled away. The smile on Mikey's face ignited the spark of hope that Leo hadn't felt in ages. Perhaps not everything was lost for their family, after all? 

-

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_"What do you wish to be, my son?"_

 

 

These words hadn't crossed Donatello's mind in a long while. Splinter had asked Donnie what he wanted to be when they all reached the age of fifteen. Donnie wasn't certain how to answer Splinter then and even now years later he still didn't know. What did he wish to be? There were endless possibilities of what he could be, but most of them were only hypothetically. There wasn't much that he could look forward to, being a mutant turtle and all. It wasn't as if he could crawl out of the sewers and walk among the populace of New York and not be pegged for as a freak.

 

 

The purple masked turtle knew all too well that he'd not be accepted by the surface-dwellers above. Thus, his tot-hood dream of being one of the greatest scientific minds for centuries to come was squandered. That's what he wished he could be but knowing he never could left him without an answer for his father. Still, this was the answer he had wanted to give to Splinter. It still was, even after all this time, Donnie's wish had remained the same.

 

But, there was nothing to be done about his dream. So therefore, he had no answer, if he couldn't be what he wanted, then what was he? That was the question that burned deep within his brain. What was he and what was he good for, if he couldn't be the one thing he wanted to be? Then did that perhaps make him a nothing? Yes, he supposed it did, he was a nothing.

 

 

 

He was a turtle with nothing but a head full of unobtainable dreams and wishes. He'd never amount to anything but a lowly freak, hated and feared by most of the world around him, and then he'd die a pitiful and miserable death in the sewers. And when the few that knew him also perished, there would be none left to remember him. Not only would he not reach his dream, he would be forgotten to the world.

 

 

He would leave behind no great legacy, he would leave nothing behind in his wake. Only a nothing such as he, could produce such an empty and meaningless existence. There was no denying the truth in what was to come, he knew full well that in the end the world would continue spinning on without them. Just as it continued to spin now, without their father. His life and the lives of his brothers, friends and allies were like that of an ember on a candle.

 

 

 

Burning brightly one moment, then snuffed out the next. But the difference was that some of them, such as April, Casey, and Miwa would be able to chase their dreams and obtain them. They would make their mark and be remembered long after they passed on, they could be something. Whereas Donnie and his brothers could be nothing, nothing but the shadows you see at night in darkened allies. That's all they would amount to, just shadows.

 

 

There briefly and then gone without notice. That's what they were, shadows, unobtainable and not actually anything of substance. Just an illusion of the world. Shadows were nothing but a trick of the light, and that's how Donnie rationalized the thought of how he was nothing and so were his brothers. They were nothing but a trick of genetics, something that should not be, but yet here they are. Exactly like the shadows that stretched on when any source of light allowed them passage to do so.

 

And it is at this moment that Donnie found the answer he'd been seeking. What did he want to be? Well he already was what he was fated to be, and since there were no other options of which he can choose from, he might as well want this.

 

 

"Nothing, Sensei... I want to be nothing."

 

And with that Donnie rose to his feet and stepped out of his lab, only for his scent glands to be assaulted with the clashing fragrances of popcorn and tea. His gaze scanned from the living room, where he saw Mikey, plopped down on the couch with a humongous bowl of popcorn, and then to the kitchen. Within the kitchen, he watched Leo brewing different pots of tea, after the initial clashing scents settled, Donnie could pinpoint that Leo was brewing one of his favorite teas, along with his own, Raph's and Mikey's favorites.

 

 

He felt the sides of his mouth twitch slightly into a small smile, "Hey got room for one more on the couch?" He called out to the both of them.

 

 

Mikey looked over his shoulder and gave him a slight smile, "Like a turtle do, come on Donnie." He patted the couch cushion beside him and held out the popcorn bowl for Donnie, as the Brainiac settled down next to him. "Been a long time since we've hung out as brothers. Hey, you guys think Raph might want to join us?" The atmosphere shifted from an awkward lightheartedness to an uncomfortable silence.

 

 

Though Mikey knew he shouldn't be too shocked, Raph was the turtle out of them all that made literally no effort to try and resolve the issues that arose between all of them with Splinter's passing. That honor went to Michelangelo, he was the one who was trying the most to resolve the tension in their family unit. That isn't to say that Leo and Donnie weren't also trying to do so as well, it was just that Mikey had been working the hardest and the longest at doing so.

 

 

Mikey was always suggesting things like movie nights, rooftop runs, or perhaps some rounds of video games, or even a trip to Mr. Murakami's place. The most progress he had made was with to everyone's surprise, Donnie. To clarify, Mikey's relationship with Donnie hadn't always been one of the best. He'd often tick Donnie off, or mess up one of his inventions, or just flat out annoy him entirely.

 

 

 

But now Mikey seemed to be trying his best to make amends with Donnie, for the years of annoyance he had put him through. Donnie as well was also doing his best to make amends. Although his attempts were very awkward and more than often did not go the way he wished. Instead of mocking Mikey or becoming frustrated with Mikey's ignorance as he had often done in the past, he was now doing his best to reassure and educate his younger brother on things he lacked knowledge about.

 

Now as for how Leo and Mikey's bond was mending? Well that was coming along, albeit slower than the orange masked turtle hoped for. Their attempts at repairing their broken bonds were nothing less than awkward and unpleasant for the both of them. Their jarring differences in personality played a key role as to why they were struggling to reconnect as brothers.

 

 

It had been a blessing that they had even spoken a word to each other in the dojo, and that Mikey had convinced Leo to take a break. This could only be a miracle, and there was no doubt in Mikey's mind that Splinter probably played some sort of spiritual wing-man for the entire interaction that occurred between the two of them. Now onto Raphael, the hard case to crack. Ever since the loss of their Sensei, the Sai-wielder had put up defenses built to last. Once upon a time Mikey had a close relationship with Raphael.

 

 

Even though they often got on each other's last nerves, they were still close but now? Now Mikey felt as if there was an endless abyss that separated the two of them, and that there was no way to cross the abyss and fix the shattered bond. But, then again Raph's bond with all of his brothers had broken. He was certain that Leo and Donnie both felt the same way he did about their hotheaded brother.

 

However, as Leo brought the tea over, and set it down on the coffee table, and settled down onto the couch by Mikey and Donnie, who should happen to emerge from the bathroom? It was the very same turtle that Mikey had been musing about. Once more the atmosphere shifted and instead of an uncomfortable silence, it was now a tense and uncomfortable silence.

 

 

That was until Raph timidly came up to them and opened up his mouth to speak, "You uh... you got room for one more on the couch?" His voice was like that of a nervous child asking their parent for permission before they did whatever they asked to do. This popped the tense and uncomfortable atmosphere around the four turtles. Mikey glanced over at Donnie and Leo both, trying to gauge their reactions to Raph's sudden desire to try and reconnect with them all.

 

Even though Donnie was subtle about his surprise, Mikey could see the emotion glisten in his burgundy eyes. Leo however was slightly more entertaining with how he reacted. Mikey watched as Leo blinked rapidly at Raph's question, and he saw him fidget slightly as well.

 

The youngest turtle didn't know why, but he did find this rather amusing. It wasn't often that Leo would be caught off guard like this. But then again, Mikey couldn't very well blame him. After all, none of them were expecting Raph to even reach out to them.

 

"Uh y-yeah sure, just let me move over." Leo replied quicker than he had been meaning too, his words almost flowing into each other, causing what he said to be almost indiscernible. The mint green skinned turtle shifted over to allow their red masked brother to sit down, he was situated between Leo and Donnie now.

 

Mikey glanced to the clock, it was only six in the evening, that meant that there would be ample time for a movie marathon, if they so wished to have one. He turned to his brothers and suggested the movie marathon and he got little disagreement out of them. Which meant that they didn't care if they watched one movie or several movies. So, movie marathon night it was!

 

Two movies in and Raph could feel his eyelids growing heavy, the emerald eyed ninja didn't even realize it but he had slumped to the side and was leaning against Leo's shoulder. He was just too exhausted to even register the fact Leo had stiffened as he rested against him.

 

Leo glanced down in curiosity and slight concern at his immediate younger brother, watching as he nodded off. The eldest wasn't certain as to what he should take away from the fact Raph was basically using him as a pillow. But it wasn't as though he was complaining or anything, he was actually quite relieved. Perhaps this meant his stubborn little brother was finally coming around.

 

 

When Raph finally faded into slumber, it was the first time in months that a night terror did not come to take claim over his dreams. Not long after Raph decided to take a nap, Mikey as well followed suit into the realm of sleep. Another hour passed and Donnie was claimed by dreamland.

 

After all his younger brothers had drifted off, Leo yawned and took up the remote and switched off the television. With a quick glance at the clock he read the time, it was only seven in the evening now. He supposed it wouldn't hurt to take an hour-long nap, who knows, perhaps after their naps they might fancy a patrol. Yes, things were starting to mend finally.

 

Or so Leo thought, however since when did Leo ever have the best of luck in his life?

 

 

No, things were far from what they appeared to be and the blue masked turtle was only going to be left with the bitter taste of disappointment come the rising of the sun tomorrow.

 

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"Aweeeeeee." April let out a soft squeal of joy as she witnessed before her the four turtle brothers all curled up on the couch. All of them asleep and cuddled up against one another. "This is too adorable!"

 

"Adorable? More like a snooze fest, literally! This is so boring! I didn't come here to watch them sleep! We came here to have fun!" Casey scoffed out, though he kept his voice down. Because deep down he was actually kind of glad that the guys were hanging out again.

 

Even though he hadn't been around the turtles recently, he kept in constant touch with Raph through video chat. He knew how tense and distant the four brothers had been for quite a while now. "Well I guess I can wait a bit longer to do something fun, even though I'm not going to enjoy it."

 

April elbowed Casey softly against his upper arm and giggled. "You big ol' softie just admit that you're happy to see the guys, even if they are fast asleep."

 

Casey rolled his eyes but let out a chuckle and shrugged. "You got me Red, it's nice to see them again even if they don't know we're here. So wanna watch some movies until they wake up?"

 

 

"Sure, but first let me grab something!" April left Casey alone in the living room for a minute or two before she reappeared with a large blanket. The ginger haired teen draped the blanket over the four sleeping turtles. "Alright Casey, " she turned her attention to her hockey-loving friend, "what movie did you have in mind?"

 

 

"Only the best kind of movie!" Casey swiped a movie from the movie box, and held it up. "The most terrifying movie of the year!"

 

April's smile faltered and she stared wide-eyed at the movie cover. Beads of sweat began to trickle down her face and she released a nervous laughter. "Great..."

 

Why did she have a feeling that the next hour or so to come would be the longest hour or so of her entire life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the first chapter of On My Own! The chapter title does come from the song Escapism by Rebecca Sugar! As we all can clearly see, Raph has made up his mind about leaving and striking out on his own. As such he wants these last few hours for his brothers to be those of good memories. This has in turn given his brothers false hope that his relationship with them all is going to start mending.
> 
> Thus getting Leo's hopes up. Ah, little Leonardo, your hopes will come crushing down into a pit come the rising of the sun tomorrow. But sometimes that just how it be on this b*tch of an earth. 
> 
> Also poor April, I hope she survives the horror movie Casey is excited to watch with her. If you want to know what movie it is, I imagined it to be A Quiet Place, which actually makes sense sorta cause most of the movie is in silence. And well the turtles are taking a nap, so this movie would be the least likely to bother them. BUT you can imagine it to be your favorite horror movie, it doesn't really matter as it won't affect anything in the next chapter.


End file.
